Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
