Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
