sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
