tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
