dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
