wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
