I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
