We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
