My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
