Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
