i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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