I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Randomize
