Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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