My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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