do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
