either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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