I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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