Please, let me fuck your mom
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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