john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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