he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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