High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
