my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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