so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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