i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
