Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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