I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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