At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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