Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
