so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
