just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
