My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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