I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
