Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize