the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
