Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
