Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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