talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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