Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
