I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He did a backflip because drugs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
