Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
