I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.