Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.