so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
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Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.