it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
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First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You are the jesus of drinking
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM