I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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