At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
They took my balls.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
