I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
