Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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