so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
