I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
