Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
