i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
