i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
