Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
