If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
