Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
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three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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