Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
