My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
