Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
