i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
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Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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