we have officially lost it.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
