dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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